Let me first introduce you to two words and their special use in the
context of this article about the complicated world of male-female
relationships:
“Mokong” or short for “Huwag MoKong Paasahin” – we’ll use this to
refer to men who are sweet, and at times confusing, in their ways and words
with women without making their intentions clear.
“Mokang” or short for
“Mokang Asang-Asa” – we’ll use this to refer to women who are hoping, assuming, about to
fall, or have already fallen in love (ouchie!) with men who can either be only
plain friendly to them or just enjoying their company / friendship.
A "mokong" can be your closest guy-friend and the one you trust the most.
Of course, it’s hard to admit he is one especially if you are a “mokang”. In the same way, a “mokang” can be your
closest girl-friend and the one you wanna hang out with and talk with most
often. Of course, it will be embarrassing to admit she is one, especially if
you are a “mokong”.
I am hoping that my courage and candor in writing this blog entry can
help clarify relationships, spare people we care about from further emotional
hurt, and keep male-female friendships that are life-enriching and pleasing
before God. I don’t say I have mastered the science or the art of NOT being a
mokang. It’s an everyday battle I fight together with God. The things I’m
sharing here are from my own lessons learned and the questions (face-to-face or
phone in) that I struggled to answer to help friends and ladies in my
discipleship groups.
Friends-Zone: Enter With
Caution
Does this mean a guy and a girl can never be CLOSE friends? Of course
not! I definitely would promote male-female friendship – women have a lot to
learn from guys and vice versa. I have experienced successful projects I’ve
done and being effective in ministry with and around men. I have great
guy-friends with whom I can comfortably share my joys and sorrows. And I feel
they trust me with theirs, as well. I consider these men (few and chosen) truly
gifts from the Lord!
So, it’s perfectly okay to have guy-friends…but I would say with CLARITY
and BOUNDARIES.
By CLARITY, I mean to say that it’s clear to both of you that you are not
lovers and you are not in a season of courtship. YOU ARE FRIENDS, in the truest
sense of the word. Friendship is not a testing-ground on how to be a girlfriend
or a wife. So don’t act like you are your guy-friend’s girlfriend or wife (or
for the men, your girl-friend’s boyfriend or husband). It is not a period of
guessing games as well (he likes me, she likes me not!). I still believe it is
the guys’ call to bring a friendship to another level if they feel led by God
to do so. Meanwhile, just be a friend. We don’t need a comprehensive list of
do’s and don’ts (or we might be too legalistic). In your heart, you’ll
certainly know the difference.
Have you heard of the term, “defrauding”? There’s a legal definition that
helps me emphasize a point here about clarity:
“Defraud- To make a
misrepresentation of an existing
material fact, knowing it to be false or making it recklessly without regard to
whether it is true or false, intending for someone to rely on the
misrepresentation and under circumstances in which such person does rely on it
to his or her damage.”
You see, in every relationship, there are two elements—the actual
situation and what it means to those involved. Let me give an illustration: a
guy constantly communicates with a girl—this is the actual situation. For the
guy, he is being friendly to the girl (representation of the situation from his
perspective). To the girl, the guy might just be waiting for the perfect time
to declare his feelings for her (representation of the situation from her
perspective).
The fact that there are two meanings here already tells us there’s a
“misrepresentation”. Defrauding happens when an actual situation is NOT clear
to either one of the parties. That’s why it becomes an act of raising
expectations one cannot righteously fulfill. And I would say the guy and the
girl both have responsibilities in making the friendship clear to themselves.
We are responsible for our own thoughts that actually produce our feelings.
Now, about BOUNDARIES--there’s a thin line between being careful and
being “overly-cautious-you’re-already-too-stiff!” when it comes to relating
with the opposite sex. There’s also a thin line between being cool about it and
making your heart an up-for-grabs prey. Wisdom will tell you to set boundaries,
but leave a BIG room for God’s amazing surprises!
For me, there are basic boundaries (but this isn’t a complete list):
- One-on-one dates are
too risky
- Inappropriate physical
touches are dangerous
- Sweet-talks are
misleading
- Give-your-heart-away-information
are improper
- Exclusivity is not the
best way to nourish a friendship with the opposite sex.
So, by all means, enjoy being friends with men and women. But make sure
you are clear and guided!
Please W.A.I.T.
Good
things come to those who wait. And waiting is never passive. For the men, yes
you take the initiative but you also have your own period of waiting, right?
For the women, the waiting period should make us more beautiful each passing
day! So, how not to fall in love when you’re not supposed to? My answer is
W.A.I.T.
W.ATCH your thoughts, words and actions – Thoughts
produce feelings, so be careful with what you allow your mind to dwell on.
Don’t imagine something that’s plain and simple friendship to be a romantic
possibility. While friendship is a good foundation for a lifetime partnership,
there’s a proper time and process to bring a friendship to that level. And as
long as it is not reaching that point, don’t allow your mind to get ahead of
what’s actually happening. In the same way, make your words and your actions
consistent with the level of your relationship.
A.CCOUNTABILITY is important – Share
what’s happening to you and how you are feeling—but only with trusted people
who will always point you to God and who care for you enough to speak the truth
in love to you. These people will help you remain in the real world and get you out
of your fantasy world, if needed.
I.NTERACT with a pure motive
and make the most out of your relationships. You don’t interact to flirt with
men (or women). You interact to be a blessing to them, to serve and encourage
them. Keep your heart towards guys (or ladies) pure and it will surely show in
your ways with them.
T.RUST God’s good, pleasing
and perfect will. Trust His unfailing love and ever-sufficient grace to carry
you through, as well, if ever you’ve already reached that “can’t-help-it-i’ve-fallen-already”
stage. If it is God’s will for you to get married, He is most capable to bring
the right person to your life.
Having
said these, I think it is still best that a romantic relationship is founded on
a great friendship. I pray that God will give us the wisdom, discernment and
guidance to keep our friendships pure and if led by God, to bring a particular
friendship to another level in a way that honors and pleases Him as it inspires
other single men and women around!
God
bless our friendships!
